Don't Leave Me This Way
by Charlotte22
Summary: What do Luka and Abby feel during their hug in 9.20? its for all you die hard luby shippers like me!
1. Default Chapter

DON'T LEAVE ME THIS WAY  
By Charlotte Henshaw  
  
"I'm going to the Congo"  
  
That was it, right there. It was still there like an echo ringing through her head as she felt his strong arms envelop her body. They hadn't shared a moment like this since before their break up, September 16th, if she wanted to be precise, the morning before 'that' fight. She had been leaving her apartment for work, if she remembered correctly. He'd wanted her to stay home with him, holding onto her so tightly that she found it hard to resist, but she'd refused playfully, promising him a night to remember when she got home. It certainly had been a night to remember...but for all the wrong reasons. Now she was saying goodbye to him again, but she didn't know how long for, forever?  
  
Her head fitted perfectly in between his neck and his shoulder, as it always had. His arms were clasped around the back of her waist, as they always used to be. His scent was over powering her; it always did, bringing back many of those dormant memories, bringing back the feelings that were supposedly covered. But they weren't, far from it.  
  
"Take care of yourself... I mean it." she reinforced, pulling back from his embrace, staring at the floor from not wanting to stare into his eyes in case it pushed her over the edge to tears. He nodded; still slightly dazed from having her back in his arms, like she had been on myriad occasions when they were together. Her familiar shampoo had taken over his senses, just like it always had, bombarding him with emotions, emotions that he couldn't handle right now.  
  
Here he was, supposedly flying off to the Congo tomorrow, fighting with his instinct to take her in his arms again and never let her go this time. The will to stay and the will to leave were competing in an emotional combat in his mind, pulling him mentally every which way. Although, now he was here in front of her, the will to stay was that tiny bit stronger.  
  
He hadn't thought it would be this hard to tell her...to leave her, but it had still been the part of leaving that he most dreaded, parting from her, saying goodbye to each other even more than they already had over the past months. He didn't expect her to react this way, not like this. He thought that she'd say her goodbye and then carry on with her life, sure that she'd see him when he returned. But there she was, standing there, her eyes lining with translucent tears, making him feel like the most confused man in the world. Was it his imagination or did she want him to stay? She looked so beautiful, effortlessly beautiful when she was upset. He may have been slightly strange for thinking this but he thought it was the most beautiful he'd seen her look, and he wouldn't see her again tomorrow to remind himself just how beautiful she was. He didn't know when he'd be able remind himself again, if he ever could.  
  
She breathed in his familiar cologne, the one that she had got him hooked on if her memory served her accurately. She felt comforted feeling him arms wrapped around her, shielding her from her fears and her worries, taking away everything that she was scared of. In this moment, the only feelings that she had were ones that she shouldn't have been acknowledging, feelings that a woman who was already involved with someone, shouldn't be feeling. But that was who he was, he had always had the power to make her realise feelings that she didn't know she possessed or that she didn't really want to realise. It was the effect that he had on her, an effect that no other man could ever have on her.  
  
Reluctantly, she pulled back from the hug, realising the effect that he was having on her and felt slightly shaken. He was there, looking down at her with those huge eyes, looking as gorgeous and mysterious as ever and she couldn't tell him. Even if she was allowed to say what she was feeling, she wasn't sure if she could find the voice if she tried.  
  
"Take care of yourself, I mean it."  
  
He knew that she did mean it; she didn't have to reassure him that she did. He sighed and nodded, resisting the urge to say it back to her and say how much he was going to miss her and how she would be the only thing that would get him through his time away without going insane. He stopped himself before the words rolled off his tongue, reminding himself that she was involved with someone and that he hadn't the right to say that to her or put her in that compromising position.  
  
"Hold down the fort" he whispered almost in audibly and she nodded, in agreement, although unsure of what that statement meant. Hold down the fort at work? Hold down the fort until he came back? Hold the fort down between them? Hold the fort inside of her? She didn't know, but didn't want to ruin the moment buy asking questions, she just wanted to be with him, like they had been so many times before.  
  
But then he smiled and walked out of the lounge door. She could have sworn that he looked upset, but she told herself she was imagining it. The door swung shut and she knew that someone had shut the door on something inside of her. Inhaling deeply, she backed against the lockers and closed her eyes, hoping that he would come back. But she knew he was going, gone and there was nothing she could do about it.  
  
The cold air outside hit him like a wall. It seemed so much colder now that he had said goodbye to her. Abby. He inhaled a sharp breath and closed his eyes. Even thinking of her or saying her name hurt him. He wanted to go back into the lounge and hold her again, but would that be inappropriate, judging the reactions that their other hug had awoken in both of them. Did she even want him to? Luka smiled slightly, he would never know until he got back...if he ever came back.  
  
Should I continue?????? 


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry it's taken a while had lots of stuff to get on with, like exam revision etc! and completely forgot all about this fic! The new luby-ness of the show has inspired me to finish this story – even though its like 2 seasons out of date LOL.

Thanks for all of the great reviews and they have encouraged me to carry on so… thanks! But you might regret wanting me to go on because this part, IMO, is dire! I got completely stuck for ideas, so…anyway, here it is…

**Summary: This chapter is told from Luka's P.O.V and the next will be from Abby's. **

**Chapter 2 – Your Shadow**

As he wandered back to his apartment in a hazy reverie, all he could think about was her - how she had just stood silently as he left her there. It was him who had walked away from her tonight. Left her there, when all he wanted to do was stay. Was it just his imagination or did she look like she had the beginnings of tears in her eyes as he left? Did she want him to stay? A myriad of questions buzzed around in his mind in a frenzy, but all of his thoughts were centred round her. None of them, however, provided him with any solace.

He pushed the door open half –heartedly and threw his keys absent-mindedly onto the empty table before entering the bedroom, where everything was strewn with the attempts of packing from the night before - but he'd had no such luck. He collapsed back onto the bed with a sigh, amongst the thousands of shirts that he had left carelessly scattered by the side of the case, forgotten.

He sighed, thoughts of her rushing into his mind, unbidden. This was when all of his memories flooded him, when he was alone. A while ago it had been his family embedded in his mind, but now she was the sole occupant of his reminiscences. And he couldn't help it. Or stop them coming. But then again, he didn't really want to stop them coming. It was the only way he could connect with her, remember her.

He had told her to hold down the fort while he was gone but, truth being told, could he hold down his own fort, the fort that was slowly starting to crumble inside of him? He had been so sure that he wanted to go to Africa. He wanted to feel that satisfaction from helping someone that he hadn't felt for a while in Chicago - to reconnect himself with the profession he had always loved. But now, he wasn't so sure. He'd also wanted to get away from seeing her with Carter, but what he really wanted to do was to hold her again, not be further away from her than he had ever been.

He opened his eyes and pulled out the shirt that was sticking into his back in an uncomfortable mound. But as soon as he saw what shirt it was, he wished he had left it. He would rather it be causing physical discomfort than the emotional turmoil it was sure to bring back. An old, black T-shirt from his army training, but this wasn't this reason why it was so poignant. He knew how much she had loved that shirt. He smiled slightly, running his fingers lightly over the small logo on the lapel. A small, yet sad smile crept from the corners of his lips. He held it close to his chest, almost convincing himself that he could still smell her on it, although he knew he couldn't.

Was it the way in which he had felt the desperation from her when they were embracing - like she was opening herself up to him for the first time - that made him feel like this? Like he would never breathe again. Like she was his only source of oxygen that had now been taken away. Questions buzzed in and out of his head, hopeful thoughts creeping into his mind about the remote chances that she was feeling what he was feeling at this point in time. Was she wanting this as much as him? Did she even give a regard for him in a way more than friendship? Did she miss him like he missed her? Even if she did, he'd never know now.

He crossed over to the window, its condensation making a cool relief to his forehead as he leaned his weight against the frosted glass. It was his only consolation. He wondered how she had felt that night when he had shot at her with harsh and untrue statements, how she had coped with it, but no matter how much he questioned himself, he couldn't reach any sort of rational answer. He couldn't find any rational answer as to why they had let their relationship dissolve as they had. Were they that undesirable for each other? But if they weren't meant to be together, why did he feel this way every time he was apart from her? He could keep torturing himself with 'what ifs?' but he would never find the answer. He'd made his decision to go away and now, he had to deal with it.

Folding the shirt in and out of his hands, before putting it carefully onto the top of his case, was his only way of taking her with him. That way even if he never came back from the Congo he would have a piece of her there, reminding him…of everything. It could be his solace or his emotional torture, depending on the day, but it was worth it… even if they had no physical contact when he was over there, he could always connect with her…imagine her there. That's all he could do now, imagine. Abby.


End file.
